It’s 12:38 and the house is silent. Sat in the silence of the garage office wondering if this solitude is a moment or a destination that I’m headed towards. Will this night be all my nights?
How not to write a whinny rant? ha! i wonder if i can do better? Can i bear witness to my own head long dive into the pit? Domestic Valhalla. ha! I need a cheesy plastic viking helmet with sheep’s horns ..i could wear that while i write to set my mood. Humour might save me but i doubt it. I do so like the shadows and the darker places.
At college, in a British port, so in decline, i sought out the shadows. Abandoned schools, hospitals, hotels, railway tunnels, glass houses. Planning, mapping and then – cloaked in black – breaking inside them – my own personal underworld – wandering, disclocated and alone in the dark – eyes wide, knife drawn. Centered. At peace and yet wired on adrenaline. Uber conscious. I took her with me once to a girls school. Slipping open the sash window that i knew to be loose. We swung on the abandoned gym ropes, moonbeams coming through the glass skylight overhead, a full robbers moon, the night chosen especially. Wandered through the science labs, specimens in jars, foetal and comforting, unborn eyes asleep. We climbed the ladder and lifted the trapdoor on the high dutch roof. Sat with our feet over the edge looking down at Toxteth police station over the road until a helicopter spotted us..ha!
My darkness was Darcy’s quiff then….romantic and dangerous …not the black albatross that hangs from my neck now, stooping me, deforming me. I was loved then, not hated. I’ve worked hard to earn both ha! This is all my own work.
So will i do this thing? Will I go to a lawyer tomorrow to plan a divorce? She’s so tired of my shit, poor sod. Is this my attempt to take control of what isn’t my gig anymore. She’s being getting herself strong. Shes making the decisions ..I’m just making them easier. Good girl! Screw this for a circus. And i watch.. and I know..and I can join the dots and see where this goes. And if I loved her enough i would do something. And i could have asked tonight when she came in late how it had gone, not stayed asleep. Could have reached over and made it better. Not that she cares what i do now. Not that she trusts me enough to lower her guard. Good girl!! to care is to indulge. She has good mates. She’ll talk to them tomorrow and they will be enough. She is loved… deservedly.
Its time to burn down this life? though its not entirely mine to burn. There are three beautiful girls laid not 20 steps from here. My flowers. The viking melts. My alpha purpose is to protect and provide – macho Movember big man. And if i don’t will they know me?
01:26 sleep
